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Help Your Neighbor: The Talk Show by Debra Bruch
6 people total
HOST: (Looks at the "camera," or the audience.) Hello! My name is _________________, and welcome to Help Your Neighbor: The Talk Show. Today, we have some very famous guests. I'm pleased to introduce to you a person who is known throughout the world as the Good Samaritan. (Turns to him.) I'm very happy to have you on our show today. SAM: Happy to be here. HOST: Tell me, what is your real name? SAM: Well . . . it's been so long, I don't really remember. A person is what he's called, and I'm been called the Good Samaritan for so long, it's really become my name. HOST: So, you go by "Good Samaritan?" SAM: Well, yes. But you can just call me Sam. HOST: Oh, good. Sam. Sam, can you tell us what happened? SAM: Well, I helped a man who was beat up and dying along side the road. HOST: (To the "camera.") And here we have with us today the victim of that incident. (To the victim.) I'd like to welcome you here today also. VICTIM: Thank you. HOST: (To the "camera.") Our third guest today was also involved in that incident. (To Priest.) You are the priest who walked by, aren't you? PRIEST: Yes, I am. HOST: (To the "camera.") And our forth guest is ________________. (To Guest #4) Hello! How were you involved in this famous event? GUEST #4: I wasn't. HOST: You weren't? GUEST #4: Well, not exactly. You see, these other guys are dead, and I'm still living. So it's really hard for me to be a part of the actual incident. HOST: So why are you here? GUEST #4: I haven't the faintest idea. HOST: (Pause. Then to the "camera.") We'll be right back, folks. Right after this commercial break. (Pause.) Okay! Where's the producer! _________________ ! ________________ ! __________________ ! Hey, ___________________ ! Where are you? ____________________ !!!!!! PRODUCER: (Offstage.) WHAT!!!!!!! HOST: I need a little help here. PRODUCER: (Offstage.) I'm a little busy right now! HOST: I said I need a little help here! PRODUCER: WHAT!!!!! Are you too stupid to help yourself? HOST: Listen, you! I need a little help here. SO GET OUT HERE!!!!!!! PRODUCER: ALL RIGHT!!!!! (Producer enters.) WHADAYAWANT?!!! HOST: We have a little problem -- PRODUCER: You mean you have a little problem. HOST: Okay, I have a little problem here. And I need some help with it. PRODUCER: What's the matter? You can't solve your own problems? HOST: Look, I'm having trouble here. PRODUCER: God helps those who help themselves. GUEST #4: Ben Franklin said that. PRODUCER: What? GUEST #4: I said that Ben Franklin said that. God didn't say it, Ben Franklin did. PRODUCER: Oh. So? SAM: So sometimes God helps those who can't help themselves. VICTIM: Like me. I couldn't do a thing. PRODUCER: Well, I say that people ought to be able to help themselves. SAM: Can you? All the time? PRODUCER: Sure. I'm intelligent. I can solve my own problems. SAM: Even intelligent people need help once in a while. PRODUCER: Look, I'm pretty busy right now -- PRIEST: So was I. PRODUCER: What? PRIEST: That's why I ignored the victim here. I was a busy man. I had to meet a man in Jericho and I was late. So I passed him by. VICTIM: I thought you just didn't care. PRIEST: Oh, I think I cared. I just didn't care enough to help you. Besides, I didn't want to catch anything by touching you. PRODUCER: Look. All of this is very nice, but I came out here to help and I'm busy. So what do you want? HOST: You booked a guest that -- SAM: Wait a minute! (To PRODUCER.) You came out here, but you don't want to help. PRODUCER: I'm here, aren't I? SAM: But what good is it? PRODUCER: What do you want from me?!!!!!! SAM: I want you to really want to help. To make it a commitment. PRODUCER: You're crazy! SAM: Am I? Let's take a poll. We have an audience here. PRODUCER: What?! We have an audience? Where?!!!! SAM: Right here. PRODUCER: Who authorized that? HOST: You did. PRODUCER: Oh. SAM: Let's take a poll here. (To audience.) How many here want to really commit yourselves to helping others? If you do, then clap your hands. PRODUCER: What is this, Peter Pan? SAM: Come on. If you really want to help other people, then clap your hands. . . . I can't hear you. . . . Boy, this is really weak. Let's hear it now. . . . That's it! That's it! . . . . Thank you very much! You helped me make a point. PRODUCER: What point? That people can clap their hands? SAM: That people really want to commit themselves to helping other people. PRODUCER: Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I don't need any help. VICTIM: Yes, you do. PRODUCER: Why am I always contradicted around here? VICTIM: Let's take another poll with this audience. PRODUCER: Oh, great. VICTIM: (To the audience.) If you need help, then clap your hands. PRODUCER: See? Most people don't need any help. VICTIM: (To the audience.) Come on. If there's anything, anything at all you need help with, clap your hands. . . . That's it! That's it! Thanks! PRODUCER: So? VICTIM: So everybody needs help. GUEST #4: Sure, I get it! In order to help somebody, you need somebody to help. SAM: And the beauty of it is that everyone needs help some way or another. PRODUCER: Well, I don't hear people crying out for help all the time. SAM: I do. VICTIM: Some people just don't cry out for help. PRODUCER: Then how do we know if they need help? VICTIM: We usually don't. SAM: I think another commitment's in order here. PRODUCER: I'm never gonna get my work done! SAM: Come on. Let's use the audience again. (To audience.) I'm gonna use you again. Okay? This is what I want you to do. In a minute, I want you to turn to your neighbor. You know, pair up. Then one of you says, "I need your help." And the other person says, "In the name of Christ, I will help you to the best of my abilities." And then you switch. (To VICTIM.) Here, you do it. VICTIM: I need your help. SAM: In the name of Christ, I will help you to the best of my abilities. I need your help. VICTIM: In the name of Christ, I will help you to the best of my abilities. SAM: (To the audience.) Okay. You do it. . . . Thanks. PRODUCER: So, what's the point? SAM: It's a commitment. People need to commit themselves to letting others help them as much as they need to commit themselves to helping others. PRODUCER: But what can people really do? SAM: People can share their burdens. People can listen, and care. PRODUCER: And I suppose you want me to do that? SAM: Yes, I do. PRODUCER: And what do I get out of it? SAM: Joy. Helping others brings joy. PRODUCER: All right! All right! I'm sorry. Okay? I should commit myself to helping. SAM: And admit that you need help. PRODUCER: You want a lot from me, don't you? SAM: Yep. PRODUCER: Okay, okay. I need help, too. HOST: (To the audience.) Thank you for coming to Help Your Neighbor: the Talk Show. We're out of time now. I hope we'll see you next week when we will try to change the producer's personality.
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