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Help Your Neighbor: The Talk Show
by Debra Bruch
6 people total
- Host
- The Good Samaritan
- Victim
- Priest
- Guest #4
- Producer
HOST: (Looks at the "camera," or
the audience.) Hello! My name is _________________, and welcome
to Help Your Neighbor: The Talk Show. Today, we have some very famous
guests. I'm pleased to introduce to you a person who is known throughout
the world as the Good Samaritan. (Turns to him.) I'm very happy
to have you on our show today.
SAM: Happy to be here.
HOST: Tell me, what is your real name?
SAM: Well . . . it's been so long, I don't really
remember. A person is what he's called, and I'm been called the Good
Samaritan for so long, it's really become my name.
HOST: So, you go by "Good Samaritan?"
SAM: Well, yes. But you can just call me Sam.
HOST: Oh, good. Sam. Sam, can you tell us what
happened?
SAM: Well, I helped a man who was beat up and
dying along side the road.
HOST: (To the "camera.") And
here we have with us today the victim of that incident. (To the victim.)
I'd like to welcome you here today also.
VICTIM: Thank you.
HOST: (To the "camera.") Our
third guest today was also involved in that incident. (To Priest.)
You are the priest who walked by, aren't you?
PRIEST: Yes, I am.
HOST: (To the "camera.") And
our forth guest is ________________. (To Guest #4) Hello! How
were you involved in this famous event?
GUEST #4: I wasn't.
HOST: You weren't?
GUEST #4: Well, not exactly. You see, these other
guys are dead, and I'm still living. So it's really hard for me to be
a part of the actual incident.
HOST: So why are you here?
GUEST #4: I haven't the faintest idea.
HOST: (Pause. Then to the "camera.")
We'll be right back, folks. Right after this commercial break. (Pause.)
Okay! Where's the producer! _________________ ! ________________ ! __________________
! Hey, ___________________ ! Where are you? ____________________ !!!!!!
PRODUCER: (Offstage.) WHAT!!!!!!!
HOST: I need a little help here.
PRODUCER: (Offstage.) I'm a little busy
right now!
HOST: I said I need a little help here!
PRODUCER: WHAT!!!!! Are you too stupid to help
yourself?
HOST: Listen, you! I need a little help here.
SO GET OUT HERE!!!!!!!
PRODUCER: ALL RIGHT!!!!! (Producer enters.)
WHADAYAWANT?!!!
HOST: We have a little problem --
PRODUCER: You mean you have a little problem.
HOST: Okay, I have a little problem here. And
I need some help with it.
PRODUCER: What's the matter? You can't solve your
own problems?
HOST: Look, I'm having trouble here.
PRODUCER: God helps those who help themselves.
GUEST #4: Ben Franklin said that.
PRODUCER: What?
GUEST #4: I said that Ben Franklin said that.
God didn't say it, Ben Franklin did.
PRODUCER: Oh. So?
SAM: So sometimes God helps those who can't help
themselves.
VICTIM: Like me. I couldn't do a thing.
PRODUCER: Well, I say that people ought to be
able to help themselves.
SAM: Can you? All the time?
PRODUCER: Sure. I'm intelligent. I can solve my
own problems.
SAM: Even intelligent people need help once in
a while.
PRODUCER: Look, I'm pretty busy right now --
PRIEST: So was I.
PRODUCER: What?
PRIEST: That's why I ignored the victim here.
I was a busy man. I had to meet a man in Jericho and I was late. So
I passed him by.
VICTIM: I thought you just didn't care.
PRIEST: Oh, I think I cared. I just didn't care
enough to help you. Besides, I didn't want to catch anything by touching
you.
PRODUCER: Look. All of this is very nice, but
I came out here to help and I'm busy. So what do you want?
HOST: You booked a guest that --
SAM: Wait a minute! (To PRODUCER.) You
came out here, but you don't want to help.
PRODUCER: I'm here, aren't I?
SAM: But what good is it?
PRODUCER: What do you want from me?!!!!!!
SAM: I want you to really want to help. To make
it a commitment.
PRODUCER: You're crazy!
SAM: Am I? Let's take a poll. We have an audience
here.
PRODUCER: What?! We have an audience? Where?!!!!
SAM: Right here.
PRODUCER: Who authorized that?
HOST: You did.
PRODUCER: Oh.
SAM: Let's take a poll here. (To audience.)
How many here want to really commit yourselves to helping others? If
you do, then clap your hands.
PRODUCER: What is this, Peter Pan?
SAM: Come on. If you really want to help other
people, then clap your hands. . . . I can't hear you. . . . Boy, this
is really weak. Let's hear it now. . . . That's it! That's it! . . .
. Thank you very much! You helped me make a point.
PRODUCER: What point? That people can clap their
hands?
SAM: That people really want to commit themselves
to helping other people.
PRODUCER: Well, that's all fine and dandy, but
I don't need any help.
VICTIM: Yes, you do.
PRODUCER: Why am I always contradicted around
here?
VICTIM: Let's take another poll with this audience.
PRODUCER: Oh, great.
VICTIM: (To the audience.) If you need
help, then clap your hands.
PRODUCER: See? Most people don't need any help.
VICTIM: (To the audience.) Come on. If
there's anything, anything at all you need help with, clap your hands.
. . . That's it! That's it! Thanks!
PRODUCER: So?
VICTIM: So everybody needs help.
GUEST #4: Sure, I get it! In order to help somebody,
you need somebody to help.
SAM: And the beauty of it is that everyone needs
help some way or another.
PRODUCER: Well, I don't hear people crying out
for help all the time.
SAM: I do.
VICTIM: Some people just don't cry out for help.
PRODUCER: Then how do we know if they need help?
VICTIM: We usually don't.
SAM: I think another commitment's in order here.
PRODUCER: I'm never gonna get my work done!
SAM: Come on. Let's use the audience again. (To
audience.) I'm gonna use you again. Okay? This is what I want you
to do. In a minute, I want you to turn to your neighbor. You know, pair
up. Then one of you says, "I need your help." And the other
person says, "In the name of Christ, I will help you to the best
of my abilities." And then you switch. (To VICTIM.) Here,
you do it.
VICTIM: I need your help.
SAM: In the name of Christ, I will help you to
the best of my abilities. I need your help.
VICTIM: In the name of Christ, I will help you
to the best of my abilities.
SAM: (To the audience.) Okay. You do it.
. . . Thanks.
PRODUCER: So, what's the point?
SAM: It's a commitment. People need to commit
themselves to letting others help them as much as they need to commit
themselves to helping others.
PRODUCER: But what can people really do?
SAM: People can share their burdens. People can
listen, and care.
PRODUCER: And I suppose you want me to do that?
SAM: Yes, I do.
PRODUCER: And what do I get out of it?
SAM: Joy. Helping others brings joy.
PRODUCER: All right! All right! I'm sorry. Okay?
I should commit myself to helping.
SAM: And admit that you need help.
PRODUCER: You want a lot from me, don't you?
SAM: Yep.
PRODUCER: Okay, okay. I need help, too.
HOST: (To the audience.) Thank you for
coming to Help Your Neighbor: the Talk Show. We're out of time now.
I hope we'll see you next week when we will try to change the producer's
personality.
Copyright 1990 Debra Bruch
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